I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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