It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
