I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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