what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
