either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
