I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
cat food counts as protein by the way
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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