the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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