So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
