so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Barsexuality is the new black.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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