How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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