I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize