Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
