if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
