there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
