i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
