I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
