In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
