Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
