come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
