he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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