I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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