Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
