i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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