Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Michael Bay diarrhea
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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