I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
