So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize