i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize