Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize