He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
