Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Vodka?
Forever.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
