My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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