Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
