Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
