Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
