I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
