You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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