she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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