I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
