Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
