If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
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