I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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