The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
