I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
