You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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