discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Is Oprah even human
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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