Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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