yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
