What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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