There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
