I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
