I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
