Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
