saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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