Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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