Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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