oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
