mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize