Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
