insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
