this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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