guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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