I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
